Death and Life

We don't get to choose our time. Death is what gives life meaning. To know your days are numbered. Your time is short.

That is a line from the movie Doctor Strange, said by the character The Ancient One.

And it is definitely true. We do not get to decide our time. We do not get to live forever, no matter how hard we try.

The first death I experienced (and that I remember) was my maternal grandpa's death in 1999 (I was 13 then). It really scared me, and made me start thinking about my own life. It made me very, very afraid of death.

I know that we can't live forever, and I am trying to come to terms with my own mortality. I am partway there, in accepting it, and I want to make the most of this life while I can.

At this point in my life, I am afraid that after I die, that that is it. That I won't exist anymore.

I know some people don't believe in God, and heaven, and all that. I respect their reasonings, but I myself am not so against the idea of there being something more than this life, more than this world.

I don't think I am afraid of death itself, just that it causes so much pain and suffering, and that I have no absolute proof that I will not stop 'existing' after death. That my sould would be in a better place.

People have told me, as well as me reading, that if you have a dream about someone who has died, that means they are telling you that they are ok, and not to worry or to be sad. I have had several dreams about my mom after she died, all but one being a good dream. It made me feel good, because she was doing good in the dreams, but sad as well, because my mom wasn't alive anymore for me to tell her about the dreams.

I don't constantly think about life and death, about mortality, and all that, but every once in a while, something will remind me of it, and make me think about the future, and what it holds.

Hopefully, at some point in my life, I will be fully accepting of death, including my own. I don't want to be so afraid of death, and what it brings, that I forget to live a full, meaningful life now. I don't want to miss out on all that life has to offer.