Where I See Myself in the Next 5 Years

I always think about my future, and what I hope to do, and making lists like this helps me think about the steps I need to take, in order to do these things.

Here is how and where I see myself in the next five years:

• Saving most of the money I earn
  
  
  
• Living on my own
  
  
  
• Working on my photography degree
  
  
  
• More confident in myself
  
  
  
• Being in a loving, caring, healthy relationship with a significant other
  
  
  
• Engaged
  
  
  
• Married
  
  
  
• Starting my own family
  
  
  
• Having my driver's license (and being more confident in my driving abilities)
  
  
  
• Traveling more
  
  
  
• Working on writing my first book

I may add a few more things to this, but as of right now, this is where I see myself in the next five years. And I am pretty happy with what I put down.

Now, I just need to work on making these things happen!

2020 Joni and Friends Walk 'N' Roll

Yesterday, we held the annual Joni and Friends Walk 'N' Roll over Zoom.

It would normally have been in person, of course, but with how this year has gone, that was not possible. There is usually a 3-mile walk, lunch, activities, and music.

This year, there was prayer, music, a game (pictionary), and a recap of how much money was raised.

It was good to see some of my JAF friends, and to raise money for the organization (the fundraiser is being kept open for the rest of the month, so if you are interested, and are able to donate, you can find out more, and to go to my page HERE).

I raised 45% of my goal, which is not bad for me. I was actually kind of surprised I was able to raise as much as I did, but I am also happy about that.

Joni and Friends is an amazing organization, that does so much for people with disabilities, and their families.

Hopefully next year, we can have the event in person, as long as 2021 goes better than this year.

Grief Letters

I have recently started attending Grief Share sessions via Zoom, and in this week's session, writing grief letters was one thing that was talked about in the video we watched.

A co-worker turned me on to Grief Share, and at first, I wasn't sure I wanted to attend, partly because my loss was so long ago, and also because I am not a talkative person, especially with people I don't know.

I decided to give it a try, though, and I am glad I did. Each session has good information to use in my own journey with loss and grief, no matter how long it has been.

The thought of writing grief letters to people, explaining the situation, and what I would need or want from someone, intrigued me.

I never really thought about doing something like that, but now that I heard about grief letters, I have already started writing a few to people in my life, letting them know about what is going on, and what I need.

I don't know which ones I will actually send/give to people, but actually having my wishes and thoughts written down in these letters definitely helps with the healing process. It's not in my head anymore, stressing me out. And people will know how they can help in my healing process.

Since I have a hard time talking (in general, not just about grief), writing these letters is perfect for me. I can say what is on my mind, and let my loved ones know what I want and need. I won't have to feel awkward for speaking up, or feel like I am being judged.

It was said in the video, and in the session, that we don't necessarily have to send the letters or give the letters to the people with whom they are for, but it helps with the grieving and healing process to get it all out.

Thank you to my co-worker, for sharing Grief Share with me. It does help with my journey, and I will absolutely use what I have gained from these sessions in my everyday life.

Grieving Without a Timeline

Since September of last year, there were 2 deaths of co-workers of mine, one happening over this past summer, which brought up all the emotions and grief of losing my mom, that I have had since her death.

Since I am normally a quiet person, I tend to keep my emotions, my thoughts, and how I am feeling to myself a lot of the time, mainly because the person I really want to talk to, the one whom I always went to, is the one I am grieving.

Yesterday, I attended my first ever Grief Share session (through Zoom, of course, because of the pandemic), to help me get through these emotions, the grief, and the thoughts going around in my mind.

It was uncomfortable for me to talk in the group, and hearing the others talk about their losses made me tear up, but it was good to talk about how I am feeling these days, as I really wanted to say something to someone.

A co-worker turned to on to Grief Share, and I was hesitant to talk with people I don't know, but I decided to give it a try.

And, to be honest, I am kind of glad I did.

Because grief will always be there. It never goes away, no matter how long it has been. There is no set timeline of when grief will end. It won't.

I have learned that over the years, especially the past year or so, with everything that happened.

Everything that I go through reminds me that grief will always be with me, no matter what I do, where I go, or how long time has passed.

I will always grieve for my mom, until I get to see her again.

If I Had 3 Wishes

There are many things that I wish for in life, like a lot of other people.

But, if I had 3 wishes that would come true, these are what I would wish for:

1. To see my mom again
   My mom died almost 10 years ago, and I miss her very, very, very much. Our relationship wasn't perfect, but I loved her, and will always love her. Not having her here anymore has been very hard, and I sometimes have a hard time dealing with that. I am so grateful to have had her in my life for as long as I did, but I would to love see her one more time.
   
   She was the one I always went to, to talk. Without her, I have been having a much harder time talking to people, especially about the tough stuff.
   
   I know this one won't happen here on earth, it is my biggest wish.
   
   
2. To get married and have children
   I have always dreamed of getting married, and starting my own family. I just haven't been given any opportunities to find the one I love, the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. 
   
   Having a family of my own is one of my top dreams in life, and I would love to see it come true sooner rather than later.
   
   
3. To not be so afraid to live my life; not to be afraid of being independent
   I am a very shy person by nature, so doing some things by myself is intimidating. Especially talking to people (particularly people I don't know, am not friends with, or don't talk with very often), making phone calls, living on my own, and other things that require me to do it myself.
   
   I do want to work on this, and I hope to not be so afraid of independence soon. I miss out on a lot of worthwhile experiences and opportunities, because of this.
   
   I want to be as independent as I possibly can, and to live the life I want.
   
   I want to be free of the fear that is holding me back, free from the self-doubt, free to be me.