Waves of Grief

Almost nine years on

And I am

Feeling the grief

All over again

 

I wish you were

Still here with me

I wish I could

Talk to you again

Hug you again

See you again

 

The first year without you

Was the hardest thing to do

 

And now it feels

Almost like that again

 

It is so hard

To express

What I am feeling

What I am going through

To others

 

The one I really

Want to talk to

Is the one that

I am grieving for

 

Some days

I wish someone

Would ask me

How I am really doing

 

And I wish

I could just

Open up

 

Let my grief out

And let loved ones in

 

I miss you so much

That it hurts

As much as when

You first left

 

This summer

Has made me realize

Just how much

I need you

How much I love you

How much I wish

That you were

Still here with us

 

How much you mean to me

 

Experiencing

Hearing about

What we

Get to do in life

 

The little things

As well as the big things

That you should have

Been here for

 

This grief

Has been coming

in waves

And I have

Been hurting

Crying

Missing you

 

It has been overwhelming

At times

 

But I know

You are fine

That you are

Not sick

Or suffering

Anymore

 

That you are

Finally at rest

And at peace

 

But it is hard

For me to let go

Of the grief

That I am experiencing

Because you

Are in Heaven

And not here

On earth

 

It is hard

For me

To know that

My confidant

My best friend

Is gone

Is not by my side anymore

 

I love you so much, Mom

And I can't wait

To see you again

One day

Things That Made Me Happy in September

Here is what made me happy this month:

• Going to ukulele nights
• A little girl asking me if she could check out a book from the library
• Going to Joni and Friends Walk 'n Roll
• One of the people at the Walk 'n Roll giving me multiple hugs throughout the event
• Seeing the Downton Abbey movie in theaters, with friends (I loved the movie!!)

September was pretty slow for me, for the most part, which is actually a good thing. I needed this slower pace, so I could relax and process everything that went on in the previous months.

50 Things About Me

It has been a long time since I have done an About Me list, so I figured I would do another one.

In no particular order, here are fifty things about me:

1. I am the youngest of five
2. I have a baking certificate, and hope to get my degree one day
3. I love to bake (hence the certificate)
4. I love photography, and taking pictures
5. I love to write
6. I love to read
7. I am very shy when I first meet people
8. I am a huge Harry Potter fan
9. I love to travel
10. I love things that glow in the dark
11. I love magnets/magnetic things
12. I love to swim
13. I can roll my tongue
14. I was/am a Girl Scout (once a Girl Scout, always a Girl Scout!!)
15. I have never been outside of the U.S., and would love to travel to other countries one day
16. I prefer text messages over phone calls
17. I played the violin when I was in elementary school, and wish to play again
18. I prefer long hair over short
19. My favorite color is purple
20. I love beads
21. My favorite TV shows are Downton Abbey, Lost, Call the Midwife, Bonanza (yes, Bonanza!!), Stranger Things, The Walking Dead, Once Upon a Time, Outlander, The Great British Baking Show, and Gilmore Girls
22. My favorite foods are pasta, tacos, tandoori chicken, spicy foods
23. My favorite class in elementary through high school was art, and my favorite classes in college were Chocolate and Cake Decorating
24. I broke my right arm when I was in first grade
25. I love cheesecake
26. I love bullet journaling (I found out about this, purely by coincidence, about 3 years ago)
27. I love rainy days
28. My favorite animals are dogs, horses and polar bears
29. My favorite/lucky number is 14
30. My favorite season is either spring or fall
31. I am very empathetic (I get upset/start crying when I see other people upset or hurt)
32. I love composition notebooks
33. I love country music
34. I love Christian rock music
35. My favorite musical artists are Andrea Bocelli, Francesca Battistelli, Garth Brooks, Celtic Woman, Celtic Thunder, Imagine Dragons, Josh Groban and the Harp Twins
36. I love teddy bears
37. In my lifetime, I have had 4 cats (which includes the two I currently have), a hamster, and two hermit crabs
38. I am a major night owl (I don't get how some people can be so cheery/talkative in the morning)
39. I love water bottles (I probably have 6 or 7 reusable water bottles at the moment)
40. I finally got to go to a Joni and Friends retreat this year, as an STM
41. I never really liked school all that much until I got to college
42. I love making lists
43. I love thrift stores
44. I am trying to learn to love myself (I don't have very much confidence in/love for myself)
45. I prefer country living over city living
46. My biggest fears are heights, spiders and death
47. I love Sudoku
48. I am an introvert
49. I love jigsaw puzzles
50. I love to write down my dreams in a journal

I may do another About Me post, if I think of enough things to make a post about it, but this is pretty much me!

Dear Summer

Dear Summer,

 

Thank you for all of the wonderful memories

I was able to make.

From college graduation

My very first Joni and Friends Retreat (where I met

and made friends with some amazing people!!)

Going to a professional baseball game with friends

My very first Joni and Friends Walk and Roll

Seeing the Downton Abbey movie in theaters with friends

Ukulele nights with friends

 

It was a wirlwind of activities

That I am thankful to have been a part of

It took a great deal of courage for me

To take the steps

To be able to go to the Retreat

As I am a very shy and introverted person

And I tend to play it safe a lot

 

I didn't know anyone that was going

And wasn't able to drive myself there

So I had to take it upon myself

To find a way there

 

Meeting the people at Retreat

Made me so grateful

That I took the chance

To step out of my comfort zone

(WAY out of my comfort zone!!!)

To come to something

That is change my life for good

 

Thank you for giving me these amazing opportunities

That I may not have had otherwise

Thank you for allowing me to face my fears

Of meeting new people

Of traveling and staying somewhere

Completely on my own

Of overcoming my shyness enough

Of giving me time with friends

Both new and old

 

Thank you for new memories

That I will look back fondly on

And the people that I got to spend time with

 

Thank you for the places I got to go

Things I got to do and see and experience

Thank you for everything

My Favorite Things From the 1980's and 1990's

I got the idea for this from YouTube, and thought I would write a post on my own favorites from the 80's and 90's.

My favorites from the 80's and 90's are:

• Tamagotchis
  I probably had about 6 Tomagachis when I was a kid. I loved those things!!!
• Lisa Frank
• Friendship bracelets
• Troll dolls
• Goosebumbs books
• Lite Brite
• The live-action cartoon Dinosaurs
• Power Rangers TV show
• My own Easy Bake Oven (I know these have been around for a very long time, but I got an Easy Bake Oven one year for Christmas, when I was a kid, and I absolutely loved it!! And, I still have it!!)
• Skip-Its
• Beanie Babies
• Game Boy Color
• Electronic Dear Diary
• Lunchables
• CD Walkman/portable CD players (I still have a few)
• Atari (we had a couple different systems in the 90's)
• Nintendo 64
• The Babysitter's Club
• The Oregon Trail computer game
• Reading Rainbow
• Hey Arnold cartoon show
• Doug cartoon show
• Lion King
• Toy Story
• Wannabe by Spice Girls
• Mini Butterfly Clips
• Backstreet Boys
• NSYNC (yes, I was into these bands for a while)
• Furbies
• Pogs
• The Magic School Bus
• Note folding (I so miss these!!)
• Caboodles Organizer
• Bubble Tape
• Push Pops
• SqueezIt drinks
• Koala's March (Koala Bites, or whatever you want to call them. I remember having them when I was a kid, and loved them!!)

To be honest, I miss these times, as that is when I was a kid, and had a lot of fun. I wish I could go back to this time, and enjoy these things all over again as a kid.

My Anti-Bucket List: 50 Things I Do NOT Want to Do

I have heard and read about people making anti-bucket list ideas, and thought it was interesting. I read a few posts people have made about what is on their anti-bucket list, and have decided to make my own list.

Here is what I do NOT want to do in my life:

1. I do not want to be shy to the point of missing out on wonderful opportunities, or risks that are worth taking
2. I do not want to be addicted to my phone
3. I do not want to spend all of my free time inside
4. I do not want to have many regrets
5. I do not want to care about what other people think of me
6. I do not want to keep worrying about the past/future
7. I do not want to feel jealous about the things other people have/are doing
8. I do not want to be around toxic people/have toxic people in my life
9. I do not want to live my life based on what others think.
10. I do not say things that I will regret saying later on
11. I do not want to hate myself
12. I do not want to compare myself to others
13. I do not want to treat myself badly
14. I do not want to set goals and then not do them (or not try to achieve them)
15. I do not want to hold back on saying every little thing that I want to say
16. I do not want to feel as awkward about things as I do now
17. I do not want to repeat mistakes
18. I do not want to feel disconnected with others
19. I do not want my life to be entirely boring
20. I do not want to stop learning
21. I do not want to stop growing
22. I do not want to follow someone else's path
23. I do not want to be with people who tear me down
24. I do not want to miss exploring the world
25. I do not want to do things just because I feel obligated to
26. I do not want to ever give up
27. I do not want to give up on my dreams
28. I do not want to NOT make a difference in someone's life
29. I do not want to hold on to things that I no longer need
30. I do not want to keep things bottled up until I explode
31. I do not want to feel bad for saying no sometimes
32. I do not want to feel/be scared of everything
33. I do not want to live beyond my means
34. I do not want to take anything for granted
35. I do not want to second-guess my decisions
36. I do not want to stop reading
37. I do not want to be scared of death
38. I do not want to judge people before getting to know them
39. I do not want to do things that would harm/hurt myself or others
40. I do not want to sing karaoke (I know I do not have a good singing voice, and I don't want to feel embarassed)
41. I do not want to feel bad/ashamed for being who/the way I am
42. I do not want to live in the past
43. I do not want to get drunk, and then do things that I will regret later
44. I do not want to do (illegal/hard) drugs
45. I do not want to not be in the present
46. I do not want to not be/feel confident in myself
47. I do not want to stay in my comfort zone forever
48. I do not want to be afraid of people
49. I do not want to be afraid of talking to people
50. I do not want to be afraid of helping people

My Fall 2019 Bucket List

Here is what I would like to do this fall, in no particular order:

• Carve/paint a pumpkin
• Watch the Halloween movies (The Michael Myers series)
• Watch Hocus Pocus
• Watch Frankenweenie
• Watch Corpse Bride
• Watch ParaNorman
• Watch The Nightmare Before Christmas
• Watch Sleepy Hollow
• Watch the Halloweentown movies
• Watch Edward Scissorhands
• Watch The Addams Family
• Watch It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown
• Watch Monster House
• Go to a fall fest
• Go to a football game
• Go to the farmer's market
• Work on making sweater for dad
• Decorate my room for Halloween/Fall
• Cook Thanksgiving dinner
• Bake a pumpkin pie from scratch
• Go on a fall photoshoot
• Host a game night
• Go thrift shopping
• Make s'mores
• Have a spa/self-care day at least once a month
• Start and keep up a skincare routine that works for me
• Start and keep up an excercise routine that works for me
• Create a fall wreath
• Put puzzles together
• Watch Coraline
• Watch Young Frankenstein
• Watch Casper
• Watch the Hotel Transylvania movies
• Eat candy corn
• Participate in an Escape Room
• Put together a Halloween gingerbread house
• Make a list of what I am thankful for
• Watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade
• Watch A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving
• Make Rice Krispies treats
• Volunteer at a food pantry
• Donate unwanted clothes
• Donate unwanted movies
• Donate unwanted books
• Donate unwanted CDs
• "Boo" neighbors (You've Been 'Boo'd)
• Make pumpkin bread
• Read/hang out on the front porch

I hope to be able to do up to half of what is on this list, at least. What is on your bucket list of things to do this Falll?