Sunday, April 17, 2011

Life Sucks

Today has ended on a bad note. A really bad note. My last remaining grandparent has died. Her kidneys gave out. We have to wait and see what they say about the funeral because this is Holy Week, and they probably can't do the funeral this week.
I really do not want to go to the funeral. I love my grandma very much, but it hasn't even been 6 months since my mom's death and funeral, and now I have to deal with another one. Another family member gone. I really, really, really hate life right now.
I wish I wasn't so afraid of death. I've been afraid of it since my maternal grandpa's death in 1999, when I was 13 years old.
Dealing with my mom's death was/is hard enough, and now my grandma's death deals another huge blow to my emotions and life.
I wish my mom was still alive so she can comfort me right now. I know I have my dad, brothers, and friends on immediate hand to help me deal, but I really need my mom.
I am planning on calling my therapist to set up another session, because I really need to talk to someone. A LOT. Life is hard enough when dealing with shit, but dealing with it without talking to someone is torture. I really need to talk to someone. And soon.
I am a religious person, but if I abosolutely knew that there really was a heaven, and life after death, I wouldn't be so afraid to die, and to be gone. But there are a lot of things I want to do before I go.
Like get married and have kids. Those are the two most important goals of mine. I would not be happy if I died before getting married and having kids. Heaven wouldn't be the same if I didn't have those chances.
Like I said earlier, life absolutely sucks. I hope God gives me the chance to fulfill at least some of my dreams, and to relieve me of my fear of death, and suffering.

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