My Favorite Memories of My Mom

Since today is Mother's Day, and since my mom isn't physically here anymore, I would post a few of my favorite memories I have of my mom.

Going out to eat with just her. We usually went to TGI Friday's, which is my favorite restauarant.

Celebrating her 30th wedding anniversary with the family. We went to Lake Geneva for the celebration. I remember the day before my parents left (us kids were going up later as a surprise for my mom, which my dad planned), my mom and I went out to eat at TGI Friday's, and got to talking about the anniversary. I almost let it slip that us kids were going, but caught myself in time.

Convincing my mom to let me get two dresses that I absolutely loved, while out shopping for prom dresses (I went to prom my senior year of high school, but these dresses were bought during my junior year). One was a strapless dress with a shawl (which I decided to wear to prom), and the other was a strap-y, sleeveless dress, that I wore to a choir concert (I was in the school choir) and another school dance (it was either a morp or one of the other, bigger dances). Both dresses were blue in color.

Early morning talks. About nothing and everything in particular.

Going swimming with her during the summertime.

Going to girl scouting events with her as one of the leaders.

Her chaperoning a school field trip to the Shedd Aquarium, from either Kindergarten or first grade.

Her staying overnight with me in the children's hospital, while doctors ran tests to see if I had epilepsy. This was over twenty years ago, and I still remember it. Not clearly, but it's still a good memory I have of my mom.

Mother's Day: A Day I Am Not looking Forward To

Mother's Day is on Sunday, and I am not looking forward to it.

Why?

Because my mom isn't here with us anymore.

She died in November of 2010. So Mother's Day has been kind of a sad day for my family and I since then.

On Sunday, we are going to the cemetary, to visit my mom's grave, and then order out at Portillo's.

Other than that, we're not doing anything else. At least, nothing special. And to be honest, that is fine with me. I don't really feel like doing much of anything for Mother's Day.

I miss you very much mom, and wish you were still here. Life isn't as enjoyable without you here. I love you!

Longing for Heaven...To See My Mom

Ever since my mom died over three years ago, I have been missing more and more every day, and I have been wanting to see her again.

Don't worry, I'm not going to take my own life, or have someone take it. I'm not that desperate. I just want to be with her again.

But, for now, having dreams about her is the best I can do (I have had several good dreams about her, although they make me wish she was still here).

My mom and I may not have had the best of relationships, but I still loved her very much, and I know she loved me. I still love her.

I look forward to the day when I take up my place in Heaven, and to see all of my family (and friends as well) again, and I never have to worry about any bad things again.

Plus, I want to live forever, especially in a place like Heaven.

The Grieving Process for Me

Three years ago, my mom passed away, and that really affected me. It's definitely not the same without her here. We were expecting her death, as the doctors told us she wasn't going to make it. Yet, it was still a bit of a shock. It's still hard to take in.

 

For maybe six months or so, I would cry myself to sleep pretty much every night. And I hated that, especially because I always went to my mom if I was upset about something, and she couldn't do that anymore. Which made me cry even more.

 

The only stage of grief I have gone through so far is sadness, which is actually surprising to me. I thought I would be mad that she was gone. But, I am thankful that this is the only stage I have been through. I do not want to feel mad, or any other feeling.

 

I'm doing better now, emotionally and mentally, but it's still hard at times. I still have moments where I just break down, and cry because my mom isn't here, but overall, I am doing good.

 

Shepherd Me O' God was one of the songs played at her funeral, and ever since then, I have heard it a few times more in church.

 

My mom's favorite song was Amazing Grace, which was also sung at her funeral.

 

Her death has shown me that I am much stronger than I thought I was, which, of course, is a good thing. It made me realize that if I can get through this, I can get through pretty much anything.

 

I miss my mom very much, and still love her. I can't wait for the day I get to see her again (although I hope that's not for a long time, as there are still things I want to do in this life).

Life Sucks

Today has ended on a bad note. A really bad note. My last remaining grandparent has died. Her kidneys gave out. We have to wait and see what they say about the funeral because this is Holy Week, and they probably can't do the funeral this week.
I really do not want to go to the funeral. I love my grandma very much, but it hasn't even been 6 months since my mom's death and funeral, and now I have to deal with another one. Another family member gone. I really, really, really hate life right now.
I wish I wasn't so afraid of death. I've been afraid of it since my maternal grandpa's death in 1999, when I was 13 years old.
Dealing with my mom's death was/is hard enough, and now my grandma's death deals another huge blow to my emotions and life.
I wish my mom was still alive so she can comfort me right now. I know I have my dad, brothers, and friends on immediate hand to help me deal, but I really need my mom.
I am planning on calling my therapist to set up another session, because I really need to talk to someone. A LOT. Life is hard enough when dealing with shit, but dealing with it without talking to someone is torture. I really need to talk to someone. And soon.
I am a religious person, but if I abosolutely knew that there really was a heaven, and life after death, I wouldn't be so afraid to die, and to be gone. But there are a lot of things I want to do before I go.
Like get married and have kids. Those are the two most important goals of mine. I would not be happy if I died before getting married and having kids. Heaven wouldn't be the same if I didn't have those chances.
Like I said earlier, life absolutely sucks. I hope God gives me the chance to fulfill at least some of my dreams, and to relieve me of my fear of death, and suffering.

Easter

Easter is 2 weeks from now. I am looking forward to celebrating it with my niece and nephew. I think they will like the Easter baskets we have for them. Although, it won't be as enjoyable with my mom gone. I wish she was still alive. I will be thinking of her on Easter, and of course, on Mother's Day.
Tomorrow, I am having a friend over for an Easter get-together. We'll dye eggs (of course), play some games, and eat. I wish more of my friends were able to come over, but it's ok. I'll still have fun.
The flowers 2 of my friends and I planted in November are growing now. I can't wait until they bloom. They'll be beautiful when they do. The flowers are in memory of my mom. I'm sure she'll like the flowers.
My dad is possibly going to take me out driving on Sunday. I got my permit in October, but with everything that happened after that, I never used it. Lucky it's good for a year. I'm nervous, but excited about driving again. I took driver's ed in high school, and that was the last time I drove.
I can't wait to get my license. I won't have to wait for the bus to go to school, and I can drive myself to friends' houses. I'll be more independent than I am now.
My dad will also be getting me a cell phone, which will make me even more independent. I will possibly be getting a phone in 2 or 3 weeks. Hopefully. I really need a phone.
That's pretty much all that is going on right now. More to come soon.

School Starts Soon

I start school this coming Wednesday. I can't wait, but I also want a few more days before I go back. But I have to go back at some point. I'm looking forward to my classes. On Friday, I went to school to get my books, school ID, and accommodations for my classes. So I am all set to go.

I have one class on Mondays and Fridays, and 2 classes on Wednesdays. I think that's all I can handle right now. In the future, I might take more classes in a semester. Hospitality sounds like a really fun major to have.

There is a class that I am really looking forward to take in the coming semesters. It is called "Chocolate." As the name implies, it is a class dedicated to chocolate. We will be learning about how to work with it, and we will actually get to make recipes with it. I can't wait until then. It will be lots of fun, especially since I love chocolate.

Tomorrow, my mom wants me to go with her to her doctor's appointments. I love my mom, but I really do not want to go to it. I have gone to too many of them to be looking forward to it. She's able to handle it by herself. She doesn't need me there.

A couple of times, I've had to cancel a party that I wanted to have, to celebrate my birthday. Now, I have decided to wait until my 25th birthday to have a party. Unless I can have it earlier. I really hope so. I really want to see my friends again. I haven't seen them in quite a while. It would be nice to see them again.

Though, I am looking online, and checking out books, for ideas for a party. I'm looking for anything from food, games, favors, etc. I really hope to have a party this year. It would make me really happy if that would happen.

That's pretty much all that is happening right now. More will come soon.