3 Things I Would Do If I Weren't Afraid

I found the idea for this post somewhere online, and wanted to write a post about it.

So, here are 3 things I would do if I weren't afraid:

1. Speak up for myself more
   I am a very shy and introverted person, so I don't speak up very much, unless I am with friends and family, or around people I am comfortable speaking with.
   
   I am always thinking/worried about what others would think of me when I say something, so a lot of the things I want to say, stays unsaid, just because I'm afraid of others' opinions of me.
   
   I care way too much about what others think of me. And it holds me back from doing the things I want to do, and saying the things I want to say.
   
   And I really want to change that.
   
   
2. Have/make more friends
   Because of my shyness, I don't have many friends. I think people think I'm not worth being friends with, because of who I am, and it makes me even less inclined to go up to people and talk to them.
   
   The friends I do have are great, but lately I have been feeling lonely, like I don't have any real friends.
   
   I don't want to be popular, I just want to have more friends, true friends, that I can connect with, have fun with, and make amazing memories with.
   
3. Live my own life
   I have been able to do some things on my own, without relying on other people, but many things have been done by/with others. I tend to not want to do a lot of things unless someone I know is with me, and I want to change that (I do love doing things with people, but I also want to do more things on my own).
   
   I want to do more things for myself, without having to rely on others to get them done.
   
   I want to live a life worth living, a life that is my own. I want to live my life my way.

YouTube Channel Favorite: Ask a Mortician

Yes, this is a channel about death.

But, the woman who runs the channel (or at least is the main person talking) is so knowledgeable, and has a way of communicating, that makes death less "scary" or "bad", even if the situation(s) in which a person died were.

Caitlyn, the woman behind Ask a Mortician, has been in the mortuary field for years, and has learned a lot in the field, and she brings that knowledge through in her videos.

She does videos on famous corpses from around the world, how we handle the dead in natural disasters, she collaborates with other morticians, and does other mortuary/death-related videos.

Caitlyn has a website called The Order of the Good Death, which has information on her and her team, different types of funerals and services, books she has written, and more.

She is an amazing person, and I very much enjoy watching her videos.

Updated Summer 2020 Bucket List

I posted my summer bucket list not too long ago, and I have found more things I would like to do since then, so here is my updated summer 2020 bucket list.

• Tie dye
• Send snail mail to friends
• Make lemonade
• Make a vision board/book
• Video chat with friends
• Binge watch Outlander
• Binge watch Call the Midwife
• Have a spa day
• Virtual game night with friends
• Clean up bedroom
• Go on bike rides
• Set up an inflatable pool in the backyard and relax in it
• Have a picnic
• Put my photos into albums
• Learn to French braid
• Make sweater for dad
• Completely finish a video game
• Make a collage
• Put fairy lights up in my room
• Save up for and buy a laptop
• Have a workout routine
• Go on a road trip with friends
• Donate my unwanted clothes
• Have a photoshoot with friends
• Pick up rollerblading again
• Go indoor skydiving
• Work on writing a book
• Go to a paint night
• Participate in an Escape Room
• Have a silly string fight
• Go thrifting
• Go mini golfing
• Make lemon bars
• Bake something once a week
• Write poetry
• Get clear, healthy skin
• Take better care of my hair
• Be more confident in myself
• Visit a city I've never been to
• Complete at least one jigsaw puzzle
• Drink more water
• Spend half as much money
• Dye my hair purple
• Camp out in the backyard
• Build a fort
• Try baking macarons
• Paint
• Make s'mores
• Get second piercing in each ear
• Redecorate bedroom
• Make friendship bracelets
• Visit local farmer's market
• Relearn how to play the violin
• Have a water balloon/water gun fight
• Buy an Instax Polaroid camera
• Use sidewalk chalk
• Learn sign language
• Learn Spanish
• Go to dinner with friends
• Be in a relationship with a significant other
• Paint stones
• Buy a sewing machine
• Learn to do a fishtail braid
• Learn to do a milkmaid braid
• Learn to do a Dutch braid
• Knit/crochet at least one item a month
• Make homemade bread
• Make homemade slime
• Learn how to do macramé
• Shop for Operation Christmas Child presents
• Make a 4th of July wreath
• Learn how to barbecue
• Go for walks each day
• Visit the zoo
• Make smoothies
• Go out for ice cream
• Write a song
• Go to the beach
• Spend a day (or a few) in the city
• Paint my nails
• Bake scones
• Bake muffins
• Make popsicles
• Learn how to apply my own makeup
• Have a girls' night out/in

Grieving for Family Retreat

Because of the Coronavirus, many things have been cancelled this year, which, for me, includes Joni and Friends Family Retreat.

I got to go to retreat for the first time last summer, and immediately fell in love with it.

The people, the activities, the location, everything.

And that was taken away this year.

Retreat is probably one of the only places the people that come to them, where they feel accepted, where they aren't alone, where they can just relax and not worry about the stresses of regular, everyday life.

I am grieving for this loss, not just for myself, but for all the others who go to retreat every year (or as often as they can), and were looking forward to it this year.

We were able to have weekly virtual get togethers via Zoom, from May through the June 7th, and I loved them. They were every Sunday, and we had worship, prayer, games, jokes and chats.

Today would have been the first day of the Maranatha/Michigan week 2 retreat, which is the one I went to last year, and the one I was planning on going to this year.

So, even though this year didn't go as planned, I am so thankful for technology that allows us to still connect with one another, to support one another, and to have fun, even when we can be together physically.

I am also thankful for meeting all the wonderful people that make/made retreat possible, and for making it so enjoyable and memorable.

Here's to hoping that next year is much better, and that we can have retreat next year.

Behind This Smile is a Hurting Heart

            Behind my smile is a hurting heart. Behind my laugh I'm falling apart.

I saw this quote on Pinterest, and thought it accurately sums up how I have been feeling these last 9 1/2 years without my mom, as well as with what's been going on these last few months.

I do have good days, but they aren't as enjoyable as they would be if my mom was still here.

She was the one I always went to if I needed (or wanted) to talk, to vent, to say whatever was on my mind.

We didn't have the best relationship (we fought a lot about stupid stuff), but I always loved her, and I will always love her.

My heart was broken into a million pieces when she died, and it hasn't fully healed from that. I don't think it ever will.

She wasn't here for me taking the ,rest of the classes for my college degree, she wasn't here for my college graduation, for my trip to my very first Joni and Friends retreat, nor for my outing with friends to a pro baseball game.

She isn't here for me not being able to work for a few months because of the Coronavirus, and not being able to do much out of the house.

I wish she was still here, so I could talk to her face to face about everything that has gone on these days.

My heart hurts because I don't have the one person I really want to talk to. I know I will see her again, but that seems like a very long time from now. I wish I could see her and talk to her now.

I do have other family members, and friends, with I can talk to/with, but the one person I really want to talk to is the one who is no longer here, and that hurts. A lot.

My heart breaks over and over, for each day that I am without my mom, especially on my good days, and on days that I have a special event going on.

SO, I love you with all my heart, mom, and I can't wait to see you again!

Things I Would Like to Accomplish In the Next 5-10 Years

There are a LOT of things I would like to do in my life, and I hope to be able to accomplish as many of them as I can.

Here is what I would like to accomplish in the next 5-10 years:

• Be financially independent
• Live on my own
• Get my driver's license
• Get married
• Have children of my own (whether biological or through adoption)
• Be more confident in myself
• Get a tattoo in memory of my mom
• Get at least one more piercing in each ear
• Get my nose pierced
• Shave my head (yes, I want to shave my head! It was a passing thought for a while, until recently, when it became a more serious desire)
• Visit New York
• Visit another country (I have never been out of the U.S.)
• Have my own YouTube channel, and post regularly
• Get a photography degree
• Find an exercise routine that works for me, and exercise on a regular basis
• Learn to sew
• Go on a Wheels for the World mission trip
• Go to at least one Joni and Friends retreat a year
• Become fluent (or more fluent than I am now) in Spanish
• Become fluent in Sign Language
• Become fluent in Italian
• Visit the Wizarding World of Harry Potter
• Visit Disney World
• Visit Disney Land
• Work on writing a book (and hopefully publish it)
• Get better at cake decorating
• Learn how to make macarons
• Go on a road trip with friends
• Adopt at least one dog
• Write at least one song
• Learn to say yes more to taking more opportunities
• Learn how to apply my own makeup
• Learn how to do fishtail braids
• Learn how to French braid
• Learn how to do Dutch braids
• Be more comfortable in speaking up (especially for myself)
• Have a regular girls' night with friends
• Learn to take better care of my skin and hair
• Learn how to use power tools
• Learn how to cut hair
• Go to a professional hockey game (I have been to professional baseball games, but not hockey, and I would love to go to one)
• Relearn how to play the violin, and play on a regular basis
• Learn how to play the piano
• Keep a prayer journal
• Learn to love myself

YouTube Channel Favorite: Ambient Worlds

Ambient Worlds is a new find for me, and I instantly fell in love with it! It was a recommended channel for me, and I figured I would check it out. I am so glad I did!

The channel is just music from popular movies, places, games, TV shows, and more.

For me, the music is very calming/relaxing, and I really enjoy it. Since I am familiar with a lot of the music, it makes it even more enjoyable.

I like how along with the music, there are scenes/pictures included from whatever the music is from, which is a very nice touch.

My Summer 2020 Bucket List

Here are the things I would like to do this summer (if we can have a summer this year):

• Be an STM at a Joni and Friends Retreat (due to the Coronavirus, the retreat I was going to go to has been cancelled, so this is a bust--unless the retreat is rescheduled, or I go to a different one later on in the year)
• Get my driver's license
• Practice learning Spanish
• Practice learning Sign Language
• Learn to French braid
• Learn to do a fishtail braid
• Learn to do a milkmaid braid
• Learn to do a Dutch braid
• Make s'mores
• Make lemonade
• Purchase a good quality laptop
• Purchase a good quality DSLR
• Purchase a good quality sewing machine
• Learn how to sew
• Sew pillowcases
• Knit/crochet at least one thing a month
• Draw with sidewalk chalk
• Relearn how to play the violin
• Make homemade bread
• Learn macrame
• Make homemade slime
• Shop for Operation Christmas Child presents
• Make a July 4th wreath
• Learn how to barbecue
• Have at least one self-care day a month
• Paint a little every day
• Go for walks every day
• Go to the local farmer's market
• Go thrift shopping
• Go bowling
• Camp out in the back yard
• Visit the zoo
• Make smoothies
• Redecorate my bedroom
• Ride my bike one to two times a week
• Go on a trip with friends
• Have regular chats with friends
• Spend the day (or a few days) in the city
• Get a second piercing in each ear
• Go out for ice cream
• Play mini golf
• Write a song
• Go to the beach
• Watch fireworks
• Spend less (at least half as much) money
• Host a game night
• Get a tattoo in memory of my mom
• Bake scones
• Bake muffins
• Paint rocks and leave them out around town
• Paint my nails
• Start writing a novel
• Make popsicles
• Have an outdoor movie night
• Draw with sidewalk chalk
• Have at least one girls' night out/in
• Eat out at at least 3 restaurants I have never been to before
• Make a vision board/book
• Learn how to apply my own makeup
• Go to a carnival/fair
• Become more confident in myself
• Get my driver's license

I don't expect to be able to everything on this list, but I want to do as many as possible. Hopefully things will be getting back to normal (or as normal as it can be) by the summer, so I can do more.

100 Hobbies I Want to Try

I saw an idea, I think on Pinterest, where you write down 100 hobbies you would like to try.

Growing up, I had a few hobbies that I loved (collecting Beanie Babies, collecting state quarters, collecting stickers, writing stories, volunteering at my local library), and since we are now in a stay-at-home order because of COVID-19, I figured now is a good time to start up some new hobbies.

I decided to do that, and here are the 100 hobbies I would like to try:

1. Woodworking
2. Painting
3. Drawing
4. Jewelry making
5. Candle making
6. Macrame
7. Photography
8. Makeup
9. Needlepoint/embroidery
10. Violin playing
11. Quilting
12. Scrapbooking
13. Sewing
14. Soapmaking
15. Video editing
16. Gardening
17. Horseback riding
18. Running
19. Cooking (I am a baker, but I would like to be able to cook as well)
20. Calligraphy
21. Tapestry weaving
22. Pottery
23. LEGO set building
24. Chess (I do kind of know how to play, but I want to get better at it)
25. Juggling
26. Learning Spanish
27. Learning Italian
28. Learning Sign Language
29. Learning French
30. Hair braiding
31. Story writing
32. Playing piano
33. Playing ukulele
34. Furniture restoration
35. Bead art
36. Songwriting
37. YouTubing
38. Yoga
39. Meditation
40. Programming
41. Card/magic tricks
42. Martial arts
43. Handwriting
44. Upcycling
45. Watercolor painting
46. Jam making
47. Flower pressing
48. Bicycling
49. Guitar playing
50. Making greeting cards
51. Cake and cookie decorating
52. Decoupage
53. Prayer journaling
54. Making fairy gardens
55. Animation
56. Worldbuilding
57. Fostering animals
58. Genealogy
59. Paint kindness rocks
60. Paint pouring
61. Archery
62. Grilling
63. Hiking/walking
64. Podcasting
65. Book writing
66. Oil painting
67. Making mosaics
68. Self defense
69. Paper mache
70. Book binding
71. Basket weaving
72. Graphic design
73. Solo traveling
74. Digital drawing
75. Bullet journaling (I do this, but I want to try new spreads)
76. Art journal
77. Knit one item a month
78. Crochet one item a month
79. Collage
80. Learn a new word every day/linguistics
81. Make shadowboxes
82. Sketching
83. Homemade skin care
84. Collecting crystals
85. Paper making
86. Sand art
87. Woodburning
88. Astronomy
89. Kayaking
90. Canoeing
91. Zumba
92. Flower arranging
93. Raising animals
94. Homesteading
95. Skateboarding
96. Video gaming (I play, but not much)
97. Experiment in baking
98. Equestrianism
99. Container gardening
100. Wreath making

It took me a few days to come up with this list, but I am happy with what is on it. Hopefully I will be able to do a few of these soon.

YouTube Channel Favorite: Family Freedom

Family Freedom is one channel/family that I have been following for quite some time (probably over a year now).

They are the parents Bob and Katie, and children Sam (the oldest), Jamie (middle child) and Jojo (the youngest).

They are a UK family, who do their best at living a minimal waste lifestyle, as well as traveling, and making the best memories they can.

They really care about others, the environment, animals, and themselves, and they do what they can to bring happiness and light to those around them.

When they travel, I love seeing the places they visit, and the memories they make along the way. They always have a good time, and inspires me to want to visit as many places as possible in my life.