Behind This Smile is a Hurting Heart

            Behind my smile is a hurting heart. Behind my laugh I'm falling apart.

I saw this quote on Pinterest, and thought it accurately sums up how I have been feeling these last 9 1/2 years without my mom, as well as with what's been going on these last few months.

I do have good days, but they aren't as enjoyable as they would be if my mom was still here.

She was the one I always went to if I needed (or wanted) to talk, to vent, to say whatever was on my mind.

We didn't have the best relationship (we fought a lot about stupid stuff), but I always loved her, and I will always love her.

My heart was broken into a million pieces when she died, and it hasn't fully healed from that. I don't think it ever will.

She wasn't here for me taking the ,rest of the classes for my college degree, she wasn't here for my college graduation, for my trip to my very first Joni and Friends retreat, nor for my outing with friends to a pro baseball game.

She isn't here for me not being able to work for a few months because of the Coronavirus, and not being able to do much out of the house.

I wish she was still here, so I could talk to her face to face about everything that has gone on these days.

My heart hurts because I don't have the one person I really want to talk to. I know I will see her again, but that seems like a very long time from now. I wish I could see her and talk to her now.

I do have other family members, and friends, with I can talk to/with, but the one person I really want to talk to is the one who is no longer here, and that hurts. A lot.

My heart breaks over and over, for each day that I am without my mom, especially on my good days, and on days that I have a special event going on.

SO, I love you with all my heart, mom, and I can't wait to see you again!